An Absolutely Ordinary Rainbow

Call of the Red-Winged Black Bird

2010-05-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

Today I tried to imitate

the call of the red-winged black bird

its oscillating trill,

slow at first like the dip in a hammock

then quick and sharp.

All the world is a song

rising,

winging wildly like the red-winged black bird

across the sunlit field.

Oh! if we were birds!

We are, aren't we?

in the rain

2010-01-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

The puddles are dirty, a brown layer of grime swilling about under the water’s clear surface which reflects the sky. Little toothpicks of vivid green grass jut daringly out of the saturated soil, while the jagged fingers of established oaks scar the sky like lightning. Old, new -- just alike.

It begins to rain, so lightly that at first it seems unreal, like looking at a slightly grainy TV program or a scratched painting. The little white streaks of rain drops are so fleeting as to be invisible. But my skin knows it’s raining, knows the fresh, electric feeling of watery air and the tiny tingle of raindrops hitting my palm. My skin knows the rain is good, that a shower cleanses the earth we pollute. My skin is very wise.

It is wet out so most creatures have gone inside (they are much wiser than us). But somewhere in the stillness a gull shrieks its strangled cry, reminding me of sadness and the ocean.

Regina Spektor Concert

2009-11-29T20:38:00.000-08:00

The crowd buzzed impatiently, people jostling and craning their necks to stare at the empty stage. Various instruments and techonology cluttered the stage: a cello, violin, drumset, grand piano, keyboard, as well as mics and amps. Blinding lights would occasinally flicker across the audience and stage, inciting an eager round of aplause though still no performers emerged. Coctail waitresses expertly navigated the dense block of people, hollering for drink orders. The scent of stale beer and smoke wafted from the women in front of me; nauseated, I looked at the ornate decorations on the wall and ceiling to entertain me.

The Fox Theater in Oakland is as grand and gaudy as any palace. Giant golden statues resembling buddahs, gilded with glimmering gems, guarded either side of the stage; their glittering green and red eyes seemed to disdain the restless crowd in their grand domain. Above the statues rose golden lattices which formed innumerable criss-crossing patterns, melding into the ceiling where changing colored lights painted the surface of a lavish latticework of flowers. Along the walls were rows of well-lit enclosures; just inside them, twinkling white lights illuminated costly rugs hanging aginst the wall.

As I gazed up, the house lights began to dim. Excited, I peered at the stage between bodies. Sure enought, three muscians entered and took their places. The corwd whistled and shrieked, and a chant began. “Regina, Regina, Regina!”

Finally, from behind the folds of the black side-stage curtain she emerged, and I caught my first glimpse of the idolized singer. She was fashionably clothed in a ruffly black dress with a shiny black belt and silver leggings. A cascade of voluptious brown hair framed her pale face with its smiling blue eyes and bright red-painted lips.

“Hello Oakland California,” Regina said softly into the microphone; cheers erupted in a head-ringing din. The performer smiled shyly at this enormous response.

“Thank you for coming out tonight,” murmured the soft-spoken singer. The crowd cheered adoringly.

Regina settled herself at the grand piano and began to sing. The music swelled inside me until I felt certian that I would burst with the joy of it.

She opened with “The Calculation.”

***

This was a month ago and i still haven't finished it, proceeding in my infamous tradition of beginning stories and never ending them. writing comes to me in spasms; i'm possessed by words, which burst forth in a rigorous tumult like a sudden breach in a dam. it seizes me, and i write in a frenzy of energy. then, as abruptly as it gripped me, the drive ceases, and i am left puzzled and winded as if i'd run a great way, only to discover i'd arrived somewhere unexpected. i don't know that i'll ever finish a story; i am young and full of beginnings, and somehow i suspect i shall always be this way. stories lie when they have endings, for nothing ever ends; changes, certainly, but never ends.

the concert was wonderful -- perhaps someday, if the inspiration captures me, i shall continue the story.

Viva La Love Story

2009-10-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY&feature=player_embedded

One guy, over 40 countries, a dorky chicken dance... world peace? I cried. There's something weirdly beautiful and profound about this. Maybe I'm just overly tear prone
So, I'm finally behaving like a normal teenager and watching youtube videos.
:)

I've started driving

2009-08-22T17:44:00.000-07:00

The car, which drove so smoothly for my parents and sister, growled beneath me. It was as if it sensed my inexperience and wanted to flaunt it. Every tap of the pedal sent the car jolting and my turns were either too sharp or too slow.
Despair: I don’t want to do this!

Clinging To Morning Mist

2009-08-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

The familiar heat swept through me
as our tongues danced.
My first kiss, when I was a little girl
everything became sharper, solid
as a nail through a butterflies wing.
Gradually that faded and now, going through the motions
he’s as fleeting and noticeable as
dissolving morning mist.
Passion is a poor substitute for affection
but we all need someone
to distract us from being alone,
which is what ultimately we are.
I peek under my lashes and see
the face of all my lovers --
he could be anyone.

Waltzing in the Clouds

2009-07-26T07:39:00.000-07:00

   One two-three, one two-three I moved my feet in rhythm to the loud waltz music which was swallowed by the well-lit auditorium. It was a basic waltz square, but as a follower (that is, the dancer who follows) without a partner I wasn’t sure if I was stepping correctly. After several fruitless glances at the surrounding couples (most of whom were in more trouble than I) I subtly studied the graceful movements of the couple to my left. The young man was pale with crisp black hair and clothes, and he expertly led his current partner, an older woman with long gray hair and a friendly face, in a perfect waltz square. Their motions were fluid and beautiful -- this was the type of dancer I wanted to be.
   Abruptly, I noticed that my steps were incorrect -- right foot then left. I sighed internally. Me, with two left feet, a graceful dancer? Well, a girl can dream.
   “All right, I think it’s about time for a partner change,” our instructor’s voice announced through the speaker system. Leaders and followers exchanged thanks for the pleasant dance, then leaders shifted to their right. I now had a partner -- the dancer whose movements I’d just been admiring.
   His features were sharp, his dark eyes framed by long black lashes, but the touch which he used to guide me was surprisingly light. We began with the basic square, and despite the occasional toe collision, we danced rather well. Our movement improved as I became accustomed to the feel of him, until it took only a nudge to send me gliding in the right direction. Our progress -- or, rather, his incredible skills as a leader -- delighted me.
   “This is great!” I murmured exuberantly as he flawlessly transitioned us into another step we’d learned. Though momentarily distracted by my feet, I still heard his reply.
   “I’m glad you think so,” he agreed with a mild grin. The frame of his arms straightened and relaxed as the teacher passed by. Then he grimaced.
   “Ugh,” he muttered, “I’d be so much better if I was more awake. I’m barely alive,” he added, his eyelids drooping. I shook him playfully.
   “So I’m dancing with a zombie? Psh, that’s okay. I have enough energy for both of us!” I added with an emphasizing grin. An answering smile tugged at his lips and finally escaped in a chuckle.
   We danced impeccably for a quiet span. “You should try it with your eyes closed,” he suggested as he turned me into another position and we continued dipping across the floor.
   “It feels wonderful, like you’re flying in the clouds,” he urged. Never before had I trusted my feet enough to lose sight of my surroundings, but I felt fairly safe with him. Obediently, my lids descended.
   Though I could no longer see it, my body continued its swirling motion with a grace I couldn’t have accomplished on my own. He changed my position, and though I’d done the step a hundred times, this time I ran into his foot, and my eyes shot open.
   “Sorry,” I mumbled, blushing.
   “Don’t apologize,” he lightly replied, shrugging off my incompetency. I was grateful for that. The instructor’s voice interrupted our discourse.
   “There’s another part of waltz...” she began, and proceeded to demonstrate the new step. She divided the class into leaders and followers, and after a few individual practices told us to pair up again. Grinning, I went immediately to my previous partner. He looked amused at my obvious preference for his company.
   “This time,” he murmured as we moved into position, “don’t open your eyes for anything. Anything. No matter what happens.” I couldn’t imagine what he thought might happen, but something about the proposition thrilled me. Eyes closed, I let the words enter my heart, and we began to dance.
   We stepped and a sweet serenity washed into me. We seemed to glide like ice on oiled glass, and the movement was so silky my mind soon drifted until it disappeared, sunk into a sea of cloud. It was like forgetting, losing who I was, but at the same time something made me whole. He was right -- it was like being in the clouds, though not quite flying. It was too slow, to smooth for flying. This felt like swimming, floating on a sea of cloud, a sea of color, pastel pink and blue and green. Gravity and friction forgotten, all I could feel was the gentle pressure of his hands, and the peculiarly delightful way which air seemed to flow through me rather than around me.
   “Dancing is like breathing,” I hummed, cocooned in a lullaby of cloud.
   It seemed strange when we halted, and it took me a second to realize the song was over. Still, I did not open my eyes -- this moment was too sweet to end. Yet, as with all good dreams of color and cloud, it did finish; but that was okay because I had not lost something wonderful -- I’d gained something beautiful.
   I smiled up at my partner, the man who’d shared a taste of grace, that illustrious wine which I so rarely sipped. “Thank you,” I whispered, and finding no ready adjective to completely describe the experience, I contented myself with smiling joyfully.
   “Yes, well, I am amazing...” he replied with a smug smile.
   “Don’t flatter yourself,” I teased. “Though you are amazing,” I added.
   “Have we switched recently? Switch partners!” the teacher instructed.
   We bowed our heads to each other. “Thank you for the dance,” his formal words were belied by his charmed tone.
   “Thank you,” I answered with a flourish in his direction.

Three Class Quick-Writes

2009-04-22T10:51:00.001-07:00

Stonehenge

The first thing I remember is the sea.

It's been a long time since I was at the sea -- that was a rough life, wearing -- but never monotonous. Each wave brought a new tickle, a new sensation. Life is much quieter here, full of lighter sensations, full of heat and dirt and the occasional cricket. I always liked dawn at the sea, but sunset is better here. The fire recedes from the sky and I am drawn in -- my brothers are silent, I am the only one who still watches the sky.

Merlin

The feeling spread within him; his blood slowed, turned to sap. His legs grew heavy and melded with the ground, and his fingers curled into graceful branches. So observed Merlin, after all these years speaking with trees, this is how it feels to be one. The scraggly white beard petrified and Merlin felt his essence leaking form his mind and into the other pores of his being like water spurting from a cracked bucket.

Jimi

Sky

High

Eye see you!

Don't deny

Rectify

You may burn inside –

but music makes you beautiful

quote of the Day 21: play practice

2009-03-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

"Why do they have five kids if they don't sleep in the same bed?"

"Trust me, you can do it anywhere." -- Mrs. Martin

"Okay everyone, I want you to take your clothes off" -- Mrs. Martin

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i love this show

i'll be really sad when it's over :(

another day

2009-03-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

so, i'm listening to some awesome indian music (Tere Bin!) and contemplating the day. it was average, but epic.

shane said something to me at lunch today which made me laugh uncontrollably. and i'm not talking about the little hyena giggles i usually have, these were full-blown boisterous guffaws. it was just one of those little incidents which make me realize how unique and fantastic my friends are :)

the title of this is the name of a song from RENT that's awesome (aren't they all?!). i just noticed that, haha.

i blew my voice in rehearsal again (i REALLY need to practice projecting but my voice is so frail right now. GAH!) so i'm sitting here sipping hot lemon (hot water with lemon and honey in it) and have vowed (silently) to not speak for the rest of tonight.

i have no more classes until monday, and have balanced my time enough to be able to get MOST of my homework done. the rest of it i'll divvy up between the free time i have the rest of the weekend -- tonight i'm reading my book, listening to music, and relaxing. Salut!

quote of the Day 20

2009-02-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

"What should we name him?" -- Raeo

"Doug." -- Anna

"Doug the suicidal rolly polly!" -- Caity

"I'd write a children's book called that." -- Anna

"Very expressive! No Botox in that face!" -- Julie Eau

"Kona, why're you trying to come back in? It was your idea to go out dog, not mine. Ah, it's silly, trying to have an intelligent conversation with the dog." --mum. (she says that, and yet she continues to talk to the animals... if you wonder where i got it, now you know :)

"You could rub this on your face afterword if you like."

"Well, when you put it like that... how could I possibly refuse?!?!" -- Anna

we were talking about orange peels. :P

my little poems

2009-02-18T17:48:00.000-08:00

the sky is a painting
with swatches of thick gray cloud
and the universe for its canvas
***
the air is a blanket
a warm caress
a kiss of fabric
***
Every pore spills poetry
Radiating with the fervence of life
And the will to live
***
Beauty lies in
the delicate curvature of the neck
where shadows pool
into a hollow basin.
***
thoughts are as fleeting as
a delicate aroma
carried by the wind
***
When the morning sun
wakes, it peeks through hidden forest glades
and the birds sing life.
***
Water trickles down
the sheer, long gray mountain face
gradually: drip drip
***
Blossoms turn and smile
with the greatest reverie
when my love walks by
***
the egret taks wing
from the gray and marshy plain
into winter’s sky
***
Sun doth kiss the flowers
Wind and shore doth kiss the sea
Why kiss you not me?
***
Souls are light and hard to catch
they have wings of silk
in the time of the butterflies

i will sing

2009-02-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

People have different reactions to my singing, reactions which often speak to their character and how we'll relate to one another. The first reaction is either amusement, fascination, or irritation (these are of course gross simplifications, because truly everyone's reaction, like their personality, is different).

The amused ones put up with me for a while, like a new exhibit in a freak show. The fascinated usually become my closest friends. Some of them never get sick of it -- they enjoy singing, sharing in the excitement of music, even joining me! Others of the "initially fascinated" category become irritated at times due to mood or circumstance, and ask me to stop. I can respect that. It's the constantly irritated, forever annoyed people who I can't stand. Not because they don't care for my singing -- I can respect someone who wants quiet. It's the malevolent attitude I get which shocks me. It's someone reacting with a cruelty and savagery totally beyond what the situation called for. It's someone fixating on something so trivial and directing their displaced anger at it... this is what both unnerves me and disgusts me.

I've sung since I was little... well, for as long as I can remember. And for just as long I've been ridiculed for it. Not by everyone -- indeed, the negative comments have lessened severely in high school, but it's amazing how isolated daggers of cruelty can wound. Yet I never gave up singing. Perhaps singing is part of my own subconscious battle for individuality. Perhaps, even when I was young music was too ingrained in my spirit for me to ever leave it behind.

quote of the Day 19

2009-01-22T17:48:00.000-08:00

"We should paint the stage. That would be awesome! How about pink!" -- Lauren Pena
"Hot pink with flowers and swirls..." -- moi
"And roses and hearts and kisses and rainbows, and the occasional unicorn!" -- Lauren

Hahaha
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

fiddler is going to be awesome
beyond awesome
AMAZIZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote of the Day 18 + the weekly update

2009-01-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

"It takes no genius to have a perfectly structured face. But we all have our own gifts." -- Mason Thomson, in a marvelous discussion about models vs. artists.

"Eww, that car is a gross color!" -- Christopher
"Yellow's awesome!" -- Caity
"Hey, don't dis the banana car. Wow, that opens up a whole new realm of pick-up lines. 'Hey baby, want to take a ride in my banana?" -- Mason. Haha, wow, we talk about the weirdest stuff. And yet somehow, talking with my youthgroupians is the highlight of my week :)

first day back to school was really heavy. i did homework until 8:30 :P but after that the week generally lightened up homework-wise, but other commitments seemed to descend. auditions for our school play, fiddler on the roof, are monday, and i spent every break possible singing with my friend shane, who's my audition partner (we're trying out with "Sabbath Prayer." if you haven't heard it you should; it's beautiful.)

over the break i was sure i bombed my english final, but apparently my essay was one of the best of the bunch, and my teacher asked for a copy to show future classes as an example. i know that if i'd had more time and research, my essay would have been MUCH better (our topic was animal research), but i was happy to have done well. so that cheered me up.

last year i loved sitting outside at lunch and talking with my friends. this year i've rather gotten over the novelty of the long lunch period, and get bored if i just spend 5-days a week in idle pursuits. so i've taken up two clubs, Minds Magazine (which i did last semester as well) and this monday i went for the first time to Philosophy Club. we had a marvelous discussion about the how people tend to have unrealistic expectations of their heros/significant other, placing them above human fault. this conversation put name to many thoughts and occurrences i had not previously identified. i often think fleetingly about "the nature of things" on my own, but it was delightful to have a group of intelligent and creative people to debate and theorize with. i think i shall return :)

my "tutee" Crystal (the fourth grader i tutor) is ADORABLE! we've started doing some creative writing, and she seems to be enjoying it very much. it's strange to be around little kids again, after spending a majority of my time with high schoolers. talking with Crystal has made me realize that she thinks i know everything because i'm an older person. i'd forgotten what it's like to be that age; it's rather refreshing.

i've discovered dance. completely and fully. i love it; i love feeling healthy, and (marginally) graceful. it'll never be as potent a passion as singing, but i definitely want to experiment more with it!

so that's the weekly update.
Salut!

balance to the fork

2009-01-01T10:59:00.000-08:00

i brought balance to the fork.

like Luke

only in the kitchen =]

may the fork be with you.

unexpected visit from a friend

2008-12-30T21:17:00.000-08:00

My friend Mecca called today, said she was in town and did i want to do anything? Mecca's always like that, rather unpredictable -- but when she calls, i jump at the chance to see her because if i don't it might be a year or more before i get another chance. we've been friends since kindergarden, and it's a little strange to still see her.

We have so much history together; distance has not divided our friendship, and she still has the quirky, wild manner of someone who really doesn't care what anyone thinks. but she also has a very negative way at looking at people... and if she thinks she'll fail at something she won't try and then she'll blame everyone around her for being stupid. although, she deals with so much, it's a marvel she's functional at all. i love to see her, but we're growing into such different people. how do you tell someone so independent that you're worried for them? how can you say that you want to be there for someone you only see once a year?

*sigh*

little joys

2008-12-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

today i visited a family friend, Sunny Birkhamshaw. She's in her mid-80's, and spent much of the time saying "oh you're such a perfect child" which was a little awkward, but other than that the trip was quite charming. i took some nice photos, and she told the most wonderful stories.

now Gin's in the kitchen singing "if only i weren't a shepards pie" in an irish lilt, making up lines such as "then i could go to oxford and become an accountant" and "some boy came and ate me on his way to school, so now i shan't see the daffodils bloom in the spring." it's good to have her home.

until tomorrow

2008-12-27T21:11:00.000-08:00

i had a slow morning. dad was at work, and gin left to pick him up and then head on to my cousin's wedding reception in Gilroy around noon. i spent the early hours of the day scrapbooking. this particular scrapbook begins at the beginning of high school, or, more specifically, the summer after eighth grade. it was so strange to see the photos, seeing the faces of people who've changed drastically since then, captured forever in a time when they had less experience but more innocence. then there were the faces of those who i haven't even seen in since then, and i really don't know what happened to them. (i'm listening to "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath right now, and it seems fairly appropriate to the emotion).

anyways, it was interesting to reflect on those times. Mum came home around one from her testing session, and she skimmed over the pages with me but wasn't too interested. then Sarah Atencio came over around 2; she went through the scrapbook with me, page by page. that meant a lot to me, more than she will ever know. brianna called and came over soon after, and we spent a delightful time chatting about, well, everything. i love having conversations with friends, the sort of discussions which just flow naturally to any area of life. a little later sarah announced we should run barefoot outside up and down the street (she's a bit peculiar:) we did, and then decided that the lighting was marvelous for photos. we rushed back inside and dressed up, using some of my fabulous red lipstick (i LOVE bright red lipstick for photos and shows; it just stands out!) and random clothes. we flitted around my street, using what was available to us to take the best photos we could. out of 219 photos, we came up with 131 passable pictures, 47 good ones, and 7 fabulous ones (in my opinion, at least. we could only agree on 4 of them).

all in all, the evening was quite charming and will be a lovely precursor to tomorrow's viewing of Phantom of the Opera in SF (YES!!!! VERY EXCITED!!!!). the only problem is i seem to have misplaced my glasses, which is rather distressing. i dare say they shall reappear, i just pray that it will be before the show. it would be TERRIBLE to not be able to see :(

anyways, i hope your days are as blessed with good music and good company as mine :) SHALOM!!!

Holiday cheer

2008-12-24T11:49:00.001-08:00

it's Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is where the childish side of me gets ridiculously excited and starts singing christmas carols off tune (but i never finish a whole song, they just seem to blend into each other). i'll fritter today away, wishing away the hours by reading and playing scrabble and such. tonight mum will make a big dinner (that seems to be the thing which excites mum the most about the holidays, an excuse for an elaborate meal. she's much like a stereotypical italian mother in that way) and the whole family will hole up in the living room for the evening to watch christmas specials. probably "Claymation Christmas" or "It's A Wonderful Life" because those are family favorites we haven't watched this year yet.

then i'll get my sleeping bag and lie on my sisters floor, and try and utterly fail at falling asleep. i'll drift between midnight and one, then wake every half hour or so to dash into the living room to see if Santa's come. when he has i'll wake Gin. then we'll go through our stockings, show each other, discuss whatever odd things we get (it's usually small stuff like socks and gift cards, but one year Gin got a computer. i was about 7 and she was 13, and i was very jealous [even though i had no idea how to use a computer]. oh, and there's always chocolate oranges in our stockings; don't really know why, it's just a tradition.)

eventually we'll go to sleep, then wake up a few hours later for breakfast (usually panatoni courtesy of someone on Dad's route, which is unfortunate because i HATE panatoni. but we're having something else this year, something secret. silly italian mother) and after breakfast presents. then we lounge around the house, happy but also sad that we have a whole year to wait before we go through the process again.

yay. so excited!

*claps with joy*

wow, i wrote a lot more about that than i was expecting. i guess i just really look forward to these two days and the family feelings they bring.

anyways,

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Little Women

2008-12-22T14:44:00.000-08:00

i just finished "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott.

i am in a state of shock (i'm always feel sort of lost when i finish a good book, particularly when i've read it for the first time). my life's certainly been enriched by it's many lessons, and the personal dedication in this copy makes it particularly precious to me. i have a feeling this will be one story that i'll keep for the rest of my life....

to share a little of my joy, here's one of Jo March's poems which particularly moved me. she's describing her sisters through chests full of objects of theirs:

IN THE GARRET

Four little chests all in a row,

Dim with dust, and worn by time,

All fashioned and filled, long ago,

By children now in their prime.

Four little keys hung side by side,

With faded ribbons, brave and gay,

When fastened there with childish pride,

Long ago, on a rainy day.

Four little names, one on each lid,

Carved out by a boyish hand,

And underneath, there lieth hid

Histories of the happy band

Once playing here, and pausing oft

To hear the sweet refrain,

Than came and went on the roof aloft,

In the falling summer rain.

" 'Meg' on the first lid, smooth and fair,

I look in with loving eyes,

For folded there, with well-known care,

A goodly gathering lies --

The record of a peaceful life,

Gifts to gentle child and girl,

A bridal gown, lines to a wife,

A tiny shoe, a baby curl.

No toys in this first chest remain,

For all are carried away,

In their old age, to join again,

In another small Meg's play.

Ah, happy mother! well I know

You hear like a sweet refrain,

Lullabies ever soft and low,

In the falling summer rain.

" 'Jo' on the next lid, scratched and worn,

And within a motley store

Of headless dolls, of school-books torn,

Birds and beasts that speak no more.

Spoils brought home from the fairy ground

Only trod by youthful feet,

Dreams of a future never found,

Memories of a past still sweet;

Half-writ poems, stories wild,

April letters, warm and cold,

Diaries of a willful child,

Hints of a woman early old;

A woman in a lonely home,

Hearing like a sad refrain

'Be worthy love, and love will come,'

In the falling summer rain.

"My 'Beth!' the dust is always swept

From the lid that bears your name,

As if by loving eyes that wept,

By careful hands that often came.

Death canonized for us one saint,

Ever less human than divine,

And still we lay, with tender plaint,

Relics in this household shrine.

The silver bell, so seldom rung,

The little cap which last she wore,

The fair, dead Catherine that hung

By angels borne above her door;

The songs she sang, without lament,

In her prison-house of pain,

Forever they sweetly blent

With the falling summer rain.

"Upon the last lid's polished field --

Legend now both fair and true --

A gallant knight bears on his shield,

'Amy,' in letters gold and blue.

Within the snoods that bound her hair,

Slippers that have danced their last,

Faded flowers laid by with care,

Fans whose airy toils are past --

Gay valentines all ardent flames,

Trifles that have borne their part

In girlish hopes, and fears, and shames.

The record of a maiden heart,

Now learning fairer, truer spells,

Hearing, like a blithe refrain,

The silver sound of bridal bells

In the falling summer rain.

"Four little chests all in a row,

Dim with dust, and worn by time,

Four women, taught by weal and woe,

To love and labor in their prime.

Four sisters, parted for an hour, --

None lost, one only gone before,

Made by love's immortal power,

Nearest and dearest evermore.

Oh, when these hidden stores of ours

Lie open to the Father's sight,

May they be rich in golden hours, --

Deeds that show fairer for the light.

Lives whose brave music long shall ring

Like a spirit-stirring strain,

Souls that shall gladly soar and sing

In the long sunshine, after rain.

happy holidays

2008-12-21T15:59:00.000-08:00

today's been rainy but pleasant, seeing as i've spent most of it inside. some of my mom's side of the family visited, and it was nice to catch up with my cousin Jamie Lynn (we had a great time attempting to do this turtle puzzle... kinda like a rubix cube but not quite) and discuss books with my Uncle Dave (he's a history teacher and is always interested in hearing what i'm reading in school and out, particularly now seeing as he teaches high school). my sister and my aunt Marilyn had fashionable discussions (marilyn is the most fashionable person i've ever met; she can pick out cute stuff for anyone without having seen them in ages: size, color, and all... she has a gift for style). my mom's cousin Janet (what would that make her in relation to me? second cousin?) is a librarian and a very colorful woman, which makes for nice conversation. my uncle jamie is the computer/SF expert, and his areas of expertise were called upon multiple times during conversation. all in all it was a lovely experience. it's always neat to catch up with them, and the company was reminiscent of days of yore. except we used to meet at my grandfathers for Christmas, and all my other cousins would be there too... but they've grown up. Gin's graduating college this year! goodness, i'm even a sophomore... time flies (*sings One Song Glory from RENT*)

the early hours of the day were spent preparing for guests and reading. i literally read more of my book this morning than i have in the past month. speaking of which, i think i'll return to the lovable lives of the March sisters...

happy holidays!

mood for poetry

2008-12-16T21:19:00.000-08:00

i feel very poetic right now.

i want to compose

and let the words bloom like a rose

off of a Blue Meanies nose

(if can name that movie you're SPECTACULAR)

synchroblog #3: christmas

2008-12-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

For me, Christmas has always been a time of good cheer and companionship. It's a time when giving is emphasized more than getting, and (though there are some who always cherish it), a time when song is truly appreciated. Here are a few aspects of this time of year which make my Christmas:

Christmas is...

-- tromping through muddy groves to find the perfect tree

-- lying in my sisters room waiting for Santa to come

-- barely getting any sleep on Christmas Eve, being soooo excited for the following morning

-- going to shops to see their christmas displays

-- gazing at the shimmering lights on our Christmas tree and getting lost in their colors (when I was little I would climb beneath it and lay there for hours, thinking and playing make-believe)

-- touring around town to see what decorations people have put up

-- having two weeks to read read read!!!!

-- haring Christmas carols so much you could have them, but loving them anyway

-- watching various Christmas classics with the family: "It's A Wonderful Life," "The Snowman," "Peanuts Christmas," "Claymation Christmas," "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas,"

"Rudolf," etc.

-- making Christmas cards for my friends, and watching our house's "card wall" fill with cards from others

-- attending the Christmas ceremonies at my church

other synchrobloggers:
http://thissideoftomorrow.blogspot.com/
http://lissalo.blogspot.com/2008/12/synchroblog-christmas-season.html

quote of the Day 17

2008-12-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

the Christmas synchroblog will be coming soon! i just have a few adjustments to make that i'm too lazy to complete tonight (plus, i know i'll want to add later so i might as well wait a day). in the mean time, i have some phrases which amused me in my daily activity of living and i wanted to share. Enjoy!

"Excuse me while i raid my sock" -- Caity

"Porque?" -- Kristina

"Who you calling porky?!" -- Linda

"Move or I'll eat you!" -- Caity

"I'm not edible." -- Kristina

"That's debatable." -- Caity

"Only in certain countries." -- Kristina

"People are stupid." -- Caity (in a discussion about the economy and gas prices)

"They are, and the older you are the more you'll realize this. You see certain people and wonder how they get by day to day. How aren't they dead yet?!" -- Danelle

"So, how's school cooling down?" -- James Mitchell (after the choir concert)

"Um, well, they call this dead week, but i assure you it is NOT dead. It is quite virulently alive, kicking and punching and screaming like an annoying baby." -- Caity

"This is Ellen. She's amazing and has red hair. I should really take a picture of your hair, or maybe come into your room when you're asleep and cut off a lock and treasure it forever." -- Caity

"That would be creepy. Let's stick to the photos." -- Ellen

how I trust

2008-12-06T08:46:00.001-08:00

There are lots of people in the world, people of different origins and interests and talents (I know it's a horribly general statement, but don't run away just yet -- i have a point). Most of us, through circumstance, necessity, and want, interact with other people, some of whom we like and some which we may not. And of those we like, there are often a few we savor the company of, and want to know and be known by. This person constitutes a potential friend. But at what point does that person truly receive that title of high merit, and the affection, patience, and candor truly owed to a friend? This is where the generalities cease, for I cannot speak as to how others come to accept someone into their confidence. I only know what my experience has afforded me, how I behave before truly trusting someone.

For the most part, I am quite confident in who I am. Yet it seems that before I befriend someone completely, I have a bout of insecurity. I think "Who am I to intrude on the lives of others?" and "What makes me deserve their company?"

I review my every oddity and every flaw, and I wonder.

Eventually the feelings go away, as the person shows, though actions and words, that they really don't mind my company. That I'm not a nuisance or a burden to them, but a blessing. And for that acceptance they get... me. Good days, bad days -- eccentric thoughts and secret feelings. My help and my opinion. My laughter, my trust, my support, my love.

I don't know how it is for other people, if I'm unique at all in my feelings. I don't know how it is for you. But just know that if I seem insecure about myself, it means I care what you think about me. That you mean more to me than the average Joe, and I want to see if those feelings are at all reciprocated.

all the little AMAZINGS :D

2008-12-05T18:11:00.000-08:00

today was a normal day... but it was full of little moments of joy, which altogether amount to make it AMAZING! here are a few of the people and things that made my day:

1) playing Scrabble with Mrs. Adams. i won by making "graze" into "grazers," with the "s" landing on a triple word score. 48 points baby. i have the photo evidence on facebook, in the "random" folder. mrs adams is a great opponent, and a fun one too.

2) singing with El Bitz and Heather (and Raeo sometimes). we did some fabulous harmonies, and made some nice conversation. it felt like friends

3) i wore my fabulous white dress and shimmery shawl today. shane e., upon my excitedly asking him "Don't I look like a Swedish milk maid?!" replied, "No, you look like a deported Finish schoolteacher." (that had me practically rolling on the ground with laughter -- good ol' shaney)

4) Walking to the place where i get picked up after school with Ben M.W. and El Bitz. Ben commented that my scarf and i are "luminous." *beams*

5) seeing/talking to Ben and Theo (Theo is an 8th grader at St. Francis, so i don't see him on a regular basis. he rode by on his bike and shouted hi.), two of my favorite Shakespearians. ah my Shakespearians; they always brighten the day!

6) talking to Jordan A. in history and english -- Jordan is a cheery sort. i'd like to see her more

7) getting a hug from Sarah A. this morning, and seeing she's wearing the birthday present i gave her

8) Mrs. Manchester randomly walking into mrs adams class at lunch and handing out cookies

9) Danelle G. being so considerate and helpful after school, as well as Suzzanah G. and Linda P.

Speaking of Linda, i'm seeing her and some others at the church tonight to prepare for a sale of christmasy stuffs tomorrow. i'm seeing quite a bit of my youthgroupians this weekend... *smiles*

that will be nice

oooh, and i'm going to a performance with emma c. on Sunday. YES!!!

random thoughts from today

2008-12-03T18:34:00.000-08:00

In French and Mr. Paterelli was our substitute (for those of you who don't know him, he's an 80+ year old retired teacher who is the most hilarious and wise sub in existence). He told us a story about a man who died recently in the complex where he lives ("we're all just waiting to die in there. whenever an ambulance comes in we all chase it an shout 'who died?'" ). He told us about the man's dog Ivy, and how the guy had no car so he'd walk down Leveroni to get to Safeway to get his dog food.

I met that man. My dad and I gave him a ride the other day to Safeway. He told us all about how he was a star football player when he was young, and about his dog Ivy. Now he's dead, and his precious Ivy is at Pets Life Line.

Just makes me think.

***

"it's so quiet in there, you could hear a mouse peeing in a cotton ball" -- Paterelli quote

***

In English we were given the results to our Lord of the Flies character analysis, where we identified similarities between our classmates and the boys lost on the island. I was voted Simon-like by six people, and Ralph-like by six people. Which is appropriate, for I'm a bit of both.

We Are Slaves

2008-11-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

We are slaves to our flaws
We are slaves to what we do
and what we don’t do.
To how we perceive the world
and how it really is.
We are slaves to our morals
and to the ever rolling boulder of time.
We slave our way out of ignorance
only to again to be enslaved by our knowledge.
We are slaves in a game of dice
None of us are free

The Secret of Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

The Secret of Giving Thanks
Thank you sun for shining so,
Warming us in your brilliant glow.
Thank you moon for your gentle light,
Bringing goodness to the darkest night.
Thank you earth, moist and cool,
Natures most basic tool.
Thank you trees for being so tall and wise
Gardians of the earth, creatures of one thousand eyes.
Thank you rock so patient and still,
In a world so full of change nothing breaks your will.
Thank you eagle, so stunning in flight,
For inspiring me to soar to a greater height.
Thank you snow for your white winterland,
Your beauty causing my very soul to expand.
Thank you, my hand, for wherever we go
You are constantly helpful, be it high or low.
Thank you wind, whether a gust or a breeze,
You who tease the ocean waves and excite the leaves.
Thank you water, so pure and so sweet,
Your heavenly touch differs for everyone you meet.
Thank you cloud, so lovely you are
A silent friend, an embrace from afar.
Thank you flowers for brightening my day
Enchanting the senses in every way.
Thank you shadow for following me
Wherever my sorry self cares to be.
Thank you stars for being here; so delicate, so right,
A blessing in this mortal world, immortal starlight.
Thank you for showing me, world, from mountains to river banks,
That we don’t give thanks because we are happy
We are happy because we give thanks

another midnight poem

2008-11-25T18:40:00.000-08:00

this is one of my midnight poems, that writing that i scrabble around trying to find my notebook and pencil in the middle of the night for. i've been typing up my journals, so you might be seeing more of these soon...

***

How many of us smile for the cameras,

But weep alone at night?

How many of us wonder if anyone really cares?

How many of us experience heartbreak and cannot tell a soul?

What isolates each one of us from another?

Are our feelings silly or irrelevant?

Why am I ashamed?

Quote of the Day 16

2008-11-24T19:58:00.000-08:00

"It looks like Hello Kitty on steroids" -- Mum (in reference to these japanese stuffed animals)

"Oh, shut up. I hate listening to people." -- Linda Presti (my church youth group leader, hence why this quote was so uncharacteristic and amusing coming from her.)

quote of the Day 15: science style

2008-11-23T20:35:00.001-08:00

"If I were a DNA replication enzyme I'd be helicase so i could unzip your genes." -- Noah Huyette

it's funny because it makes sense (moderately, that is)

this made me laugh

a lot

quote of the Day 14

2008-11-21T20:01:00.001-08:00

i've been remiss in my quotes of the day, so here's a whole load of them from the past week or more. people say the most fascinating things... :)

"I don't like cottage cheese much. It's not even really cheese. It's like 'mmm, white chunky mush'." -- Indy (Josh)

"If you were frozen mashed potatoes, where would you be?" -- Mum

"Pittsburg is where everyone thinks they're normal, but they're crazy. New York is where everyone thinks they're crazy but their normal." -- The Apartment

"And San Francisco, well, that's just a melting pot." -- Shane (in a discussion about our favorite movies, this was his addition to the quote from The Apartment)

"That's the way it crumbles -- cookie-wise." -- The Apartment

"Have a beer"

"No, no, my body is a temple."

"No, it's an amusement park." -- Hellboy 2 (because dad bought it on a whim and this amused me)

"That's not random, this is random." -- Shane

"What?" -- Caity

"QUACK!!!" -- Shane

"You should shave your head and say 'I want to be a man!'" -- James

"That's a good solution for everything." -- El Bitz

"Tadpoles have big butts."

"Even this is PDA," (i put my arm around shane)

"Really? I thought that was more of a BFF" -- shane

Wednesday November 19th. we didn't even make 6 months

2008-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

you know when you lose something precious, but you don't quite comprehend how much you'd become used to having it in your life?

it hasn't quite sunk in yet.

for better or worse, time moves on.

This entertains me

2008-11-16T11:04:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Day 13

2008-11-14T15:49:00.000-08:00

"Friends are fish, not food" -- Mrs. Martin

"Jorge, the oldest and only Chinese moose seller in Canada" -- Brianna, Kristina, Caity (don't ask-- there's no real explanation)

"The music's slightly off... but it's meant to be. That's what gives it it's beauty" -- James Gusse

I met with the 4th grade girl, her older sister, and her parents today in the career center. i start wednesday :)

Quote of the Day 12

2008-11-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

"That muffin is half my face!" -- Lauren Penya

"That's more than half your face dear." -- me

"That's like half your body mass" -- monica B.

"SHUT UP!" -- Lauren

"I had a minor firecracker problem." -- Mr. Jacobs

these both made me laugh a long time; the muffin WAS huge, and lauren is extremely light. Mr.Jacobs was referring to how he lost his hearing in his right ear. hehehehehehe

2008-11-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

i sat down at the computer at 11 and now it's 12:30

goodness the computer is distracting

well, this weekend's been awesome; i've gotten a lot done and enjoyed it thoroughly. read, sung, seen my sister, gone to youth group, hung out with sarah, spontaneously danced a bit. only thing that could've made it better would be seeing Nathan.

*sigh*

well, Gin is flying back to Washington this morning; we dropped her and julian (her boyfriend) off at the airporter this morning. on the way back mum did grocery shopping while i got a haircut (long overdue). it's short and poofy, and i feel like i'm someone in a murder mystery in the 1920's. just something about that style...

tinkerbell

2008-11-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

my cat's been lying in the same place on my parents bed all day. no joke. she's rolled over a few times, and she'll preen a bit, but she's always resettles in the exact same spot. she'll probably get up and there'll be an indented nest of cat fur where she was

i sort of admire the regal attitude of cat's. don't get me wrong, it's a horrid attribute in a human, but with cats... snobbery just befits them. that manner of living which says the world revolves around me and i am so beautiful, why aren't you all flocking to pet me?

i love that kitty

best day ever

2008-11-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

today was spectacular

we did fake interviews today, and i was trying to "obtain the position of a tutor." afterward, Mr.Chantler (the career center man) asked me if i was seriously interested in tutoring. when i said yes, i told me he knew of a family looking for a tutor in english and math for their 3rd grade daughter. I'VE BEEN OFFERED A JOB!!!

very excited. i've always wanted to teach. i was so excited that when i came home i started pulling age-appropriate books off the shelves and stacking them.

harmonized at lunch with heather, el bitz, theresa merino, shane, and james gusse. so awesome. and then on the way home some really cool songs came on the radio ("made to love" by tobyMac and "Icecream" by Sarah McGlaclan) and i bought them off itunes.

the picture is of me in a fuzzy coat mum bought me a while ago, and just got here in the mail. it's REALLY FUZZY.

god

my sister just walked in the door

back from washington

she wasn't supposed to be here 'til tomorrow....

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

going to go visit

peace love and fuzzy coats :)

the best part of AP biology

2008-11-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

"The cells will either go into a G0 phase, being dormant, or they will commit suicide." -- Kaela Connors

This made me laugh. A LOT. Those study sessions are my favorite part of AP Biology. Today the topics of interest were new vocabulary words (more like sound effects) to go with certain processes, Dalton's inability to pronounce the word "chromatids," the warriors basketball game which they convinced Mr. Neville to play on the TV, and Noah's crazy jewish grandfather.

awesomeness

the next president of the united states

2008-11-04T21:31:00.001-08:00

Barack Obama has been elected the next president of the United States.
he just gave one of the best speeches i've ever heard in my life. very moving (I've got the chants of "yes we can" echoing in my head) Mc Cain also gave a very gracious speech welcoming obama, which i appreciated.

i've got that feeling. that feeling where your whole body tingles and you just know something great will happen
I hope he does what he said he'd do.
i hope our nation changes for the better.

good deeds of the day

2008-11-02T18:25:00.001-08:00

i visited my cousin Jamie Lyn at her dorm at Davis today, and mum and i took her out to lunch. afterward i we went straight to my church, which was putting on the harvest carnival for the old folks at Avalon Assisted Living. i arrived very early (stupid daylight savings) so i helped to set things up. the actual carnival itself went well -- the old folks were pleasant, even though a bit odd. there were also some families there -- children and grandchildren. they ran around screaming, being adorable, and adding to the general bedlam. i sang some oldies and joked with sarah loftus, who was in the booth beside mine, and shouted for song requests. it was rather marvelous.

on the way back from the carnival (dad drove me home) we noticed an elderly man walking along Arnold Drive. it was getting dark and the wind was brisk -- dad went in a circle and offered him a ride. apparently he was walking to safeway to buy dog food for his pet. he told us all about his time as a quarterback for a college team, and we chatted about his dog. he was a friendly old man. it was decent of dad to give him a ride.

i'm left feeling better today than i have in ages. it just goes to show that doing the kind thing for someone else is the truly rewarding action

this is halloween

2008-11-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

i've decided to post the lyrics to "This is Halloween" from the Nightmare Before Christmas by Tim Burton. Because we were randomly bursting into song while trick-or-treating, but i couldn't remember the whole song. it's awesome.

SHADOW
Boys and girls of every age
Wouldn't you like to see something strange?

SIAMESE SHADOW
Come with us and you will see
This, our town of Halloween

PUMPKIN PATCH CHORUS
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Pumpkins scream in the dead of night

GHOSTS
This is Halloween, everybody make a scene
Trick or treat till the neighbors gonna die of fright
It's our town, everybody scream
In this town of Halloween

CREATURE UNDER BED
I am the one hiding under your bed
Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red

MAN UNDER THE STAIRS
I am the one hiding under your stairs
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair

CORPSE CHORUS
This is Halloween, this is Halloween

VAMPIRES
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song

MAYOR
In this town, don't we love it now?
Everybody's waiting for the next surprise

CORPSE CHORUS
Round that corner, man hiding in the trash can
Something's waiting now to pounce, and how you'll scream

HARLEQUIN DEMON, WEREWOLF, AND MELTING MAN
Scream! This is Halloween
Red 'n' black, slimy green

WEREWOLF
Aren't you scared?

WITCHES
Well, that's just fine
Say it once, say it twice
Take the chance and roll the dice
Ride with the moon in the dead of night

HANGING TREE
Everybody scream, everybody scream

HANGED MEN
In our town of Halloween

CLOWN
I am the clown with the tear-away face
Here in a flash and gone without a trace

SECOND GHOUL
I am the "who" when you call, "Who's there?"
I am the wind blowing through your hair

OOGIE BOOGIE SHADOW
I am the shadow on the moon at night
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright

CORPSE CHORUS
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!
Halloween! Halloween!

CHILD CORPSE TRIO
Tender lumplings everywhere
Life's no fun without a good scare

PARENT CORPSES
That's our job, but we're not mean
In our town of Halloween

CORPSE CHORUS
In this town

MAYOR
Don't we love it now?

MAYOR WITH CORPSE CHORUS
Everyone's waiting for the next surprise

CORPSE CHORUS
Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back
And scream like a banshee
Make you jump out of your skin
This is Halloween, everyone scream
Won't ya please make way for a very special guy

Our man Jack is king of the pumpkin patch
Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King now

EVERYONE
This is Halloween, this is Halloween
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

CORPSE CHILD TRIO
In this town we call home
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song
EVERYONE
La la-la la, Halloween! Halloween! (etc.)

halloween

2008-10-31T18:24:00.000-07:00

Mia/Rosa invited me to go up to SSU with her
which was remarkably sweet of her
but the parents didn't want me at a college campus so far away, particularly on such a... festive holiday.
then my sister called in hysterics to say that her friend went into cardiac arrest and was in critical condition in the ICU of a hospital in San Francisco. Gin's not having a great holiday.
now i'm going trick-or-treating with my friend brianna, who called me twenty minutes ago. (typical brianna :)
it was really nice of her to invite me
i'm glad i accepted

*sigh*
life is mayhem

Quote of the Day 11

2008-10-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

"I can still feel my phone in my pocket, even though i left it at Samantha's. It's as if it's made an imprint in my thigh." -- Shane E.
"Are you having separation anxiety?" -- Samantha Salek

"I'm going to the No Name."
"And leaving me here with these freaks?" -- me
"Don't worry, you'll fit right in." -- Kristina Toni

sometimes they're so sarcastic it's painful

bresson photo

2008-10-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

in French class we're studying french artists who influenced French culture and the world. i and my friend Christina Cirelli are researching a french photographer named Cartier-Bresson -- he's pretty incredible. this is one of my favorite pictures of his.
"Bressons legacy lay in his capturing of the bizarre and fascinating acts of every day people. He captured expressions and postures, shadows and lines, fleeting moments forever frozen on film..." -- excerpt from my paper on Bresson

synchroblog #2

2008-10-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

mmm, i like this synchrobloging thing: it's really neat to see what everyone else writes and how it compares to my own little stash of happiness. well, here it is:

PERFORMING. singing, acting, dancing. being with people who understand the passion of the stage, who i can share my voice and my personality with. music... is my soul. listening, projecting, communicating through song. another layer of bonding occurs when i sing with someone... it's a reason for living. most of my closest friends are immersed in at least one aspect of the arts, or are dramatic in some way.

reading and writing, of course. feeling expressed through words. there's nothing comparable to that feeling when (reading or writing) i come to a passage that uses just the right wording. it's amazing what one can capture on paper... things which appeared simple can have a layer of complexity, and complex things can become simple. sometimes the best writing is just describing something for what it is. when i comprehend something through writing i understand it in ways i didn't know existed. even when i write about myself. or perhaps especially when i write about myself. anyways, it creates a different perspective.

Spontaneously being good at something which has previously been difficult. Using chopsticks for instance. This has always been a mystery and a challenge for me; for years i've tried unsuccessfully attempted to use chopsticks, always surrendering to the familiar fork. However, last night Mum handed me chopsticks and voila! I was even picking up individual pieces of rice! *shakes head in bewilderment*

i guess this makes me happy because it shows that even if i don't show progress at something at first, practicing really works. which is good, because "practice" is basically the catch phrase of my existence.

NATHANIAL makes me happy. his quirky habits and stories, the way he listens and the way he talks. being with someone i can trust so completely, not feeling ashamed or awkward. he's irreplaceable <3

what else makes me happy? random little stuff:

hugs, random sincere compliments, less homework than i expected, letter in the mail, mum's good cooking, photography, visit/call/invitation from a friend, drawing, a good song on the radio, rebelliously staying up until 2 in the morning reading a good book, falling asleep to the sound of the rain on my skylight, learning something new about someone, singing in the shower, discovering a really good book/movie/eatery, having a really in-depth conversation, laughing, and all that jazz

all the little things which add up to make life... just right :)

other blogs:

http://thissideoftomorrow.blogspot.com/2008/10/synchroblog-2-on-happiness.html
http://thevoicetobeheard.blogspot.com/2008/10/synchroblog-happiness.html
http://nickbrown.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/my-second-synchroblog/

Quote of the Day 10

2008-10-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

"It's okay that you talk to inanimate objects, as long as they don't talk back."

(the above one was so funny i wrote it on my leg on the car ride up to the bowling alley so i wouldn't forget it)

"Everyone has moments, but you live in the moment."

oh dearest melissa.

she's always running into things and tripping and tweaking.

gotta love that girl

fresh choice excursion

2008-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

okay,

when i was little getting shots was actually exciting

not the actual shot part (i'm fairly good at getting shots but it still sucks)

what was exciting was that after we got shots my grandfather would take my entire family out to lunch/dinner at Fresh Choice. ever since i can remember i've always made the same special salad at fresh choice -- it starts with the grated carrot, a large pile for the base. next comes the peas and corn (they're always right next to each other so order doesn't really matter) then comes the broccoli (yeah, it used to be one of my favorite foods. now i just drown it in dressing so i can't taste it.) then comes the pickles (the sour kind; i've accidentally put the sweet kind on before -- no bueno). after that i drench the whole pile in ranch dressing, and top it off with plain/italian crunchies (they're actually called croutons, but i call them crunchies.). Finally, the defining feature of my special lunch is a miniature martinellie's apple cider. occasionally i'll add a slice of cheese pizza and/or new england clam chowder; hence why i always leave with a stomach ache

the point of this story is that it's a once a year thing that reminds me of when my grandfather was alive. the food's good, but more than that it's a ritual. this time though, i was faced with blows of change. i slid my platter down the counter and was quite distressed to discover there was absolutely no grated carrot. the foundation of my magnificent salad was missing. i continued to find broccoli in a box before the peas and corn, and that the plain crunchies were replaced with a mixture. To top it all off, they had no martinellies. My world was spinning.

it seems so ridiculous, except to me it's not silly at all. this is how it's always been -- i go to fresh choice and i get my salad that i made up when i was little. period. it feels like... there are some things i just never expected would change. something that would always remain steady.

*sigh*

there goes my happy innocent bubble

i'm still trying to accept that all things change

*snort*

fat chance of that happening anytime soon

well, at least the salad wasn't too bad without carrot.

ps. we spent several hours at borders and i bought two books with my gift cards. mom did something very unusual and spent 100+ dollars on stuffs. most of it was early christmas/birthday shopping.

oh, and george lucas was ahead of us in line. just thought you'd think that was cool nathan

leaving

2008-10-18T09:24:00.001-07:00

i'm going to get my flu shot now

but we're also going out to lunch

and to borders

i have a bazillion giftcards which i need to use up, so it should be exciting. just walking through rows of books, the tranquility and that paper smell....

mmm, i love bookstores

yay three day weekend!!!... not so much

2008-10-17T16:37:00.001-07:00

YAY FOR THE THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!!

*dances celebratory jig*

*realizes won't be seeing nathan*

*cries*

you know what i'm doing over my wonderfully long weekend?

my french current event,

my other french project too,

studying for AP Bio,

reading Lord of the Flies (ew) for english,

and getting a flu shot

whoopie

*sigh*

well, hopefully i'll also be going to youth group also

and Witchie Poo is always awesome

plus there's that satisfying feeling of NOT going to school on monday

but still

i miss him

time flies

2008-10-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

exerpt from an email to my dearest nathanial

***

anyways, i haven't done anything today much of note, just plodded along wishing i was with you. as i look back on even my few years the phrase "time flies" has more and more meaning. i feel that if i stop concentrating on the details of the momentary pains and pleasures of daily life, times will blur my vision at the speed it's moving. maybe that's the real difference between existing and living -- existence is the blur of the passage of time; individual existence will be little more than a single brushstroke on the infinite canvas of the universe. but living is something else entirely. living means absorbing the details, appreciating what one has while one has it. even if all one has is a single brushstroke... might as well be the most colorful stroke one can make it :)

Ground Zero Travel Contest Essay

2008-10-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hey all! this a story i wrote about an experience i had a while back for a travel contest. would love comments on what you think and suggestions for titles, grammar, better syntax, etc. thanks!

Our guide Jean wove expertly through the waves of people, and the four of us darted after her. Only Brianna, Matt, Casey and I chose to go to Ground Zero rather than shop. Four out of fifty six. Pushing aside the disgust I felt for my fellow students disinterest, I instead observed the City. Glancing around, nothing could be seen farther than forty feet in any direction, for everywhere one looked grand structures loomed under a thick plastering of gray clouds. It was fascinating and tiring at the same time.
For the past three days my fellow students and I’d been experiencing the marvelous life and style of New York City. It seemed like anything could be found in the immense City’s plethora; the only thing absent was silence. Shouts, bangs, laughter, blaring horns and the rumble of traffic meshed into a bedlam of constant sound.
We proceeded briskly through the mobs, passing a smorgasbord of folks. Men, women, old, young, short, tall, dark, fair -- the streets were a patchwork of faces, an ever-changing pattern. The air was laden with the perfume of City life: exhaust fumes and cigarette smoke. I coughed. The City had a time all its own -- everything hurried and rushed, as if there was not enough time in the day. Night did not exist there. Indeed, the City never slept, neon signs and thousands of artificial lights blurring the paint of time into a continuous canvas.
City life buzzed around us, but Ground Zero moved with a different rhythm. The site itself was nothing more than a vast construction zone, workers in vivid yellow jackets laboring amidst the damage. However things were slower here, almost as if the entire City was holding its breath. We gazed upon the rubble that sent violent repercussions through the American people and the world.
“Where were you on 9/11?” I asked Jean curiously.
She responded crisply but her expression was grim. “Funny story about that. I was supposed to be meeting a client that day. She worked at the top of Tower Two,” Jean paused. A chill like an icy finger ran down my spine, but the group remained entranced with suspense.
“What happened?” Brianna asked.
“My mother was very sick at the time. I decided to drive down to Jersey and see her. I called early and rescheduled the appointment; the woman I was supposed to meet died in the crash.”
No one spoke, though the feeling was unanimous. The realization that a coincidence had saved this woman’s life, and the terrifying notion of how little we know about how our decisions affect our tomorrow. Understanding how tenuous life is. How sometimes it’s just a matter of getting lucky.
It was an adventure... still, I would be glad to return to my little California town. I took a deep breath, coughed, and followed Jean back through the crowded streets of New York City.

today

2008-10-11T22:34:00.000-07:00

i saw nathan today

it was amazing, as usual

also met sara, saw alissa, their roommate and their pet rabbit luna

it was an epic experience

performed for the wilmar fundraiser when i returned to sonoma

we were good and the whole experience was fun, except now i have this goop on my face

i hate make up

you'll hear more on this later

for now, i'm going to the bathroom to attempt to scrub more of it off

peace

quote of the day 9

2008-10-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

"He wants us to edit this." -- Max

"What? We've already copy edited this! I'm not doing this again!" -- Lee

"I know, he lost the edited one." -- Max

"Tell him to find my other edits or I'll copy edit him in the face," holds up fist menacingly. "With a red pen. And by pen I mean sword. And the ink will be the blood. From his face." -- Lee

never a boring moment in Newspaper :)

2008-10-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

i had a very odd dream last night

i was in a castle, and it was raining. i was trying to barricade the doors against people outside -- i was inside with others, but they were random people i can't recall. anyways, even though i was inside the castle, i had the weird feeling that i was the intruder, that the people who i sought to bar entrance should really be the ones inside. there was a golden retriever there too for some reason, trying to help the people outside get in. it kept jumping hundreds of feet onto balconies. in the fashion of dreams everything seemed distinct and expected at the time yet is baffling now that i'm awake.

the result of this dream, even more bizarre than it's actual occurrence, was that i awoke with a strong urge to recreate the castle. so i did. i pulled out my Lego (no easy feat because it was buried in my closet and i have quite a collection from my earlier years) yes, i build with Lego -- there darn awesome. i've seriously considered getting into architecture, if only it didn't involve so much math.

so basically, i spent a majority of the day building with Lego. it's one of those activities that just sucks up time -- it seems to flow by without my even noticing. very restful.

after that mum took me out to lunch at the Cheese Factory, where i ordered the same sandwich i always do. it's kinda funny, because i always order the same thing there, but i always get something different. i've gotten the wrong bread, mustard when i asked for none, no cheese, wrong cheese, no meat, no pickle. today i got lettuce though i didn't ask for it. always an adventure at the cheese factory.

i talked to my next door neighbors who i haven't seen in FOREVER today. only for a few minutes before i whisked off to youth group, but it was enough to be shocked at how much brooke and lindsey (sisters three/two years younger than me who used to be my only friends in the world) have grown up, and to realize that my fifth-grader neighbor Jake is taller than me. humph.

youth group was fabulous. we played all these running games and have rug burns on my hands and knees from sliding about on the rough carpet. it was a good lesson too.

so that's the update for today.

i miss you.

:'(

Victor Hugo

2008-10-04T17:26:00.001-07:00

for my history class i have to research something which influenced art forms. I chose to investigate Victor Hugo, author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and Les Miserables.

i have the musical versions to both stories, and two of my favorite quotes are:

"who is the monster and who is the man?" -- hunchback

"i ask for nothing, i can get by

but i know so many less lucky than i

God help my people, the poor and down trod

i thought we are were the children of God." -- hunchback

"I had a dream in days gone by

when love was high and life worth living

i dreamed that love would never die

i dreamed that God would be forgiving...

but there are dreams that cannot be

and there are storms we cannot weather..." -- les mis

"to be struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight

how the world may be changed in just one burst of light

and what was right seems wrong

and what was wrong seems right..." -- les mis

note to self/everyone else in the universe:

REALLY NEED TO READ THESE BOOKS

quote of the day 8: wacky tacky day

2008-10-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

I gazed quizzically over her red-and-white obscure-faces patterned one-piece outfit.

"Out of curiosity, where'd you get that?"

She looked me square in the eye. "A dead person!"

Silence.

"Hm." Outburst of raucous laughter from each of us.

"I love thrift stores" she exclaimed between fits of giggles.

"You need no occasion to eat popcorn!" -- Kristina

just wanted to share this with y'all :)

Quote of the day 7: an intense game of yahtzee

2008-09-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Dad fiercely shook the cup, his face scrunched with anticipation of the roll. He chucked the dice. He groaned at the 4, 2, and 1 which threw off his bonus; the choice was cross off yahtzee, large straight, or sixes. Frowning at the score card, he drew the hateful line through the box which should contain the 50 points for a yahtzee. "Sorry Dad," I acknowledged sympathetically, all to familiar with his situation.

My roll gave me an average three-of-a-kind, then it was his turn again. Taking the cup with much less determination, he tossed it and the dice clattered across the table top. We stared in amazement at the five 4's, the yahtzee he hadn't been able to get. He looked at me with the most peculiar expression and cocked his head in a bizzare manner. Then a twinkle came into his eye and a humble grin propped up the corners of his mouth.

"You gotta know that's God laughing at us."

Fiddler on the Roof Reaction

2008-09-29T20:38:00.000-07:00

wow, i haven't cried that hard at the end of a movie in... in...

Juno maybe

and before that The Waitress

i balled pretty hard when i first saw Gladiator too.

music just does something to me. evokes an emotion deeper than anything i could see. The stupid dream which Tevye describes to Golda, with all the old corny special effects, scared me (of course, i can't handle modern horror films either, but i genuinely think that when their fear is sung it becomes more real to me). At the end of fiddler they have to leave Annatevka, and Hava... *tear*

apparently that really happened to my mom's grandfathers family -- they were Jews evicted from Russia. There's so many stories in the world... so much history to be explored...

*yawn*

it's only 8:45, but i'm REALLY tired. weird. heavy crying always seems to do that, sap energy. how irritating. Until my next burst of inspiration or insanity... (what's the difference?)...

this was an interesting conversation

2008-09-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

yesterday at lunch heather, brianna, james, aaron and i were having an interesting conversation about the dress code. we were wondering if you could get in trouble for red or blue underwear. after all, they say that you can be penalized even if the offending color is covered.

"Take off your underwear."

"What???"

that would make a damn interesting referral: "refused to remove underwear."

just some food for thought.

Dear Mike

2008-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

i wrote this to my friend mike on facebook. he's the cousin of justin and shane burns, and i met him three years ago on a youth group trip. we just clicked, particularly musically, singing RENT. however, he lives in Boston, so until i found him on facebook we hadn't kept up. this was me filling him in on life. :)

***

life's busy. but from what i've seen it doesn't get less hectic from now on. i wish i'd appreciated my time before more. so maybe i should enjoy this time a bit more while i have it.

i've been singing my heart out, I WILL NEVER STOP!!! i also discovered that i have an avid love of musicals of every type -- something about music telling a story reminds me of my life -- and i've been exploring musicals from My Fair Lady and Les Miserables to modern ones like Wicked (so fabulous!!!) and Jersey Boys, etc.

school is epic. actually it's all-consuming. i'm a sophomore, and in retrospect 7 classes (particularly AP status) was a bit ambitious of me. but you have to go too far to discover the limit, right? and i can do it, it just means what little social life and extra-curricular activities i participate in have been exed from the schedule. :(

hmm, what else interesting has happened in the three years since we talked? i have a boyfriend now. he's amazing. i got my wisdom teeth out on fourth of july weekend, which was a bit upsetting because i was all puffy.

Quote of the day 6 (several this time!)

2008-09-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

"A person is not truly old until regrets take the place of dreams" -- Ben (apparently it came off a drink cap)

"Diversity is the key to life" -- this was kinda the theme to a dinner conversation we had the other night about eugenics. it was quite interesting

"You guys have therapists?" I inquired curiously, unprepared for their vehement response

"Therapists rock! You get to talk shit about people and then you feel good about yourself," said Shane.

"And they can't tell anyone what you said because it's against the law" added James matter-of-factly.

Mr. Neville also made a comment with the phrase "engulf and destroy" in it that i found particularly amusing, but i can't quite recall :)

mmm, i'm going to be lazy tonight and perhaps not do every possible homework assignment due in two days. i might even get the chance to do something fun!!!

even though i have a history test tomorrow. should study

damn.

i miss nathan.

this morning

2008-09-21T13:11:00.001-07:00

we (brianna and i) just woke up

mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha

Quote of the day 5

2008-09-20T11:27:00.001-07:00

this actually happened yesterday, but i was too lazy to find my planner and post it.

"You know, i don't think i want to go to the game tonight."

"Oh come on, you have to come! We don't even watch the game, you just socialize."

"There's a reason that i come home from school: to de-socialize."

Ah Ben

Gotta love that kid

something more

2008-09-19T15:41:00.000-07:00

the weather outside is amazing --

the sky is thick gray blanket, and magic lays heavy in the unusually warm air

it's times like this that i cannot doubt there's something more

Quote of the day 4

2008-09-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

"It's so white! I hate fricken albino fruit!" -- Elyse Evkhanian

i'm not really sure why she was ranting at her white peach, but apparently it's lack of coloring upset her. i sat down in the middle of a conversation between Elyse and my friend Rosie and this was what they were discussing while Elyse chucked various food articles at Rosie and Rosie laughed and made a great point of sharing with everyone but Elyse. They were both cracking up. Oh dear, my friends are an odd bunch.

i knew i forgot to mention something in yesterday's post -- it was kona's birthday yesterday! (kona, for those of you who don't know, is my dog) she turned 13. she's an old lady now...

i have to get ready to go to dance now

stupid thursday's

tinkerbells feet

2008-09-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Was going through my photo's.

found this one which i took of my cat's feet.

just thought i'd share it with you.

what's on my mind

2008-09-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

i went to montery for my uncle's wedding this weekend. the ceremony was lovely; they wrote their own vows, and it was sweet (they also have a rather warped sense of humor which was highly amusing). during the reception gin and i were the youngest people dancing -- rocking out to "thriller," usher, and "dancing queen" with a bunch of 60-year-olds will forever stick out in my mind as a highlight of life. we went to an antique shop on sunday, and it was amazing; i'll probably write about it in my next blog

my sister's leaving tomorrow afternoon. i'll be at school

i just spent the past 20 minutes laughing with my family about how dad stepped in the cat's "gak" yesterday morning. don't quite know why it was so funny. but it made for a good last evening with her.

i miss you nathan.

a lot.

Quotes of the day 3

2008-09-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

wow

it really appears that i have nothing interesting to relay

so i'll just sick some more quotes on you

again, additions are welcome!

"brianna, what do you want for your birthday?"

"uh, a happy birthday!"

"No! what're you thinking! That's absurd! Pick something else!" --shane

ah, dear shane. he wanted to make her a cake, but he wanted her to ask for it.

Quotes of the day 2

2008-09-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

So, i've decided this is exciting and i want to post quotes more often

don't know if i'll be able to manage getting one every day, but i'm sure as heck gonna try!

Today's quote:

"We're all unique and we all have our own opinions on things. That's why Baskin Robins has 31 flavors." -- Ben Marcus-Willers (aka BMW aka savvy shakespearian aka best actor i've ever met)

Quotes of the day

2008-09-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

"I always have homework! There's always homework to be done! Homework is inevitable! "

"But what about the weekend?"

"WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO ME?!?" -- Shane

"Um, Mrs. Adams, are we ever going to finish this project?"

"Sure, i have an extra two minutes for tomorrow, it'll fit in nicely. Haha. You think i'm joking

haha. ha." -- Mrs. Adams

There are so many good quotes just in every day speech. Life is an adventure.

Anybody have a quote to add?

Emails to a Friend

2008-09-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Caity! It's Alejandro. Got some questions for you to answer if you don't mind.

1. What was your favorite place to visit and why?

2. What are your biggest concerns in life?

3. If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

Thank you kindly.

***

Dear Alejandro,

'course i don't mind! let's see... i don't really have "a" favorite place. Haiwaii was enjoyable for it's colorful environment and inviting climate. All places European have appeal to me for their cultural background and old run-down castles and such. I remember perusing the stony ruins of a castle in Ireland and pretending i was some magical hero of old. i pretended that there were dragons and wizards around every craggy pillar... :) i've had some great trips to disneyland as well. Despite all the fun or mystery a place can hold, what really makes a place or trip memorable is who you're with. i think my two favorite trips would have to be one i took with my youth group to disney land because i got to know each of them so much better (it is the happiest place on earth). and then the band and choir trip i took last spring because i got to become friends with other people who have a passion for music. The highlight of that trip though, was definitely meeting Nathanial Garrod, who's now my boyfriend. BEST TRIP EVER!!!

my biggest concerns in life are fairly trivial, which is as it should be. i'm concerned about grades, family, keeping up with old friends and making new ones, trying to balance performing, reading, hobbies, and me time with all the demands of school. I would sum up my concerns as balancing life in general.

if i could change one thing in the world? maybe this is passive of me, but i wouldn't change anything which i can't already change. i know enough to know that i know nothing at all; i don't want to play god. it's why i don't make a good leader, i'm too hesitant of consequences, especially when they don't effect me specifically. i feel there is no way to live without offending someone, and i have enough grief taking responsibility for my own actions without adding an extra layer to the cake. i'll be the change i want to see in the world; that is, when i want to change the world then i will face my fear and face myself. in the mean time i will try to keep living in ways that aren't too destructive, helping where i can and being strong where i can't.

i hope this answered your questions and it's helpful in the article. write back in the next hour (by 9-ish) if you have any more to ask (i go to bed early for a teenager, do i not?) :)

Giant Drunk Music Orgy

2008-08-31T16:37:00.000-07:00

Whew!

I just sang a beatles medley at Clines winery. We (the beatles ensemble) got there at 1:15, scheduled for 2:00, and didn't go on until 4. it was hot. but okay because they gave us food and we wore these REALLY cool colored glasses. plus it was nice to have time to visit with my Beatles buddies, who are each fascinating in their own right but we don't get time to talk during rehearsal. The theme of the fundraiser was the sixties, and it was basically a room full of drunk horny adults. But they spent 6000 dollars on us, so i suppose it was worth it. Lauren and I also sang with the madrigals because they were singing "Wakati Wa Amani," which we learned last year. I'm shocked to find they have no tenors! that was upsetting, but i tried to project my harmony as best i could.

i wish i was in it

i do

i just can't handle it... is that selfish of me?

Being Bored and Overly Nostalgic

2008-08-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't written a blog in a while, so i decided to go through my photos and choose one inspiring. This is of our Jersey Boys and Dreamgirls crew. We sang together last year... it was magical. Always is with Cat. And those suspenders were FREAKIN AWESOME!!!

Hm. I won't say last year was relaxed. That would be a vast understatement. But, somehow, being absurdly busy was enjoyable. "Dancing through life" right? haha, i love how i can equate anything in my life to a musical. Sigh... good times.

The Good Things In Life

2008-08-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

i just ate seven and a half mothers lemon cookies and a cold blueberry pancake slathered in nutella. i feel better about the world.

2008-08-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

God Bless Heather Keola

Right all

today was my first day of sophomore year

in general it was good (thanks sooo much for suggesting newspaper nathan, manchester is super-duper and it's looking like something i'll really enjoy)

even though i've cried twice today

heather, mrs dillon, and the little voice in my head which is my mother is what saved me. especially heather. god bless heather keola

i have lots of homework that i shouldn't have to do right now, but i have to do right now. and now i have to do it.

more on this later, when i retain my sanity.

Restless

2008-08-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

This place... home... it's so suffocating...

why am i on the computer?

i have to go somewhere.

anywhere.

Now.

yay!!!

2008-08-15T10:12:00.001-07:00

it's 10:12 in the morning and i have officially finished all my AP Bio reading. that's right. Exactly 145 pages of dull textbook: DONE. plus, this morning i discovered that for the most part my sniffle has gone away!!! (yesterday i woke up hardly able to breathe and with my nose acting like it was the height of hay-fever season). it must have been a little cold... whatever it was it's gone now. and, to make things even better, mum called and was like "hey, do you want to go to the Cheese Factory today, just for fun?" and i was like "when do i not want to go to the cheese factory?!?" then, running down the hall i did my honorary cheese factory dance/chant. that's right. i have a cheese chant.

and i haven't even told you the best part: Nathan's coming over today.

fricken spectacular.

*chorus of angels sing*

Young At Heart

2008-08-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

My Quiet Place

Where is it?

Why is it?

Is it just one Tiny Spot-

A Sanctuary for My Soul-

(which at times grows fatigued-

distressed-disturbed

By a sometimes Cruel World)

Is it in a Redwood grove-

Perhaps-

Carpeted with ferns and Leaves

Soft and Hushed-

Private from the Eyes

of All but GOD?

In a tall, tall Grove.

Standing Tiny and Dwarfed

By the Huge and Silent

Red-barked Trees

Hundreds - maybe Thousands

of Years Old

As Man reckons Time.

From High above.

From the Blue of Heaven

Come Rays of Light

Triangles of Light

Diagonally slanted

Toward the Dark Hushed

EARTH

Below-

Yes - My Quiet Place

Could be There -

In God's own Temple.

In ALL OUTDOORS

I worship HIM

And count my many blessings -

Many Years Have I

As Men and Women Count Time

But only a Flash of Years -

As the Gods count Time.

They alone know the Heavens

The Age of Stars

The Distances between

Tiny Gleams of LIght

In the Black of Firmament

Time and Space that has

No Limits.

They existed Before

And will exist After

Forever --

Yes - Friend - Amigo.

There is Peace

In such Facets of Nature

And One rests there

Becoming United with

The Trees - and the Sun

And the STARS.

Slowly - Slowly -

Gradually - Gradually -

The Outside Noises Cease

The Inner Noises Cease -

And One has found

His Quiet Place

Her Quiet Place

Again.

And Now.

This is my favorite poem by my biological grandfather, Milt Forrest. Today I visited my uncles and cousins (on my mom's side) and was not only thrilled with their company, but my Uncle Dave also gave me a book which he made about Milt. It's filled with his poetry and art, and the story of his life and how it relates to ours (the grandchildren). He died in 1991, two years before I was born, so unlike my sister and cousins i don't even have a vague memory of him. Apparently he lived in a trailer park on E. Cotati (where you are Nathan!) for the later years of his life. *Flips through book* His world was so different than mine... or was it? No.... he lived in the same world I do, I just entered at a different time. But as he wrote, there are things which existed Before and will exist After. Seeing pictures of him as a boy and a young man juxtaposed with those of him in his last years, knowing that his colorful spirit is gone, i mourn this man i never knew but who had an influence on who i am and what the world is around me....

It was neat to see my family, hear quirky family stories and discuss where life is taking them. All my cousins are so old! 18, 22, 24 (almost 25...) *sigh* i still feel like we should be in my uncle jamie's basement room playing video games and playing with all his little gadgets. We used to sit at the "kids table" at christmas, pick blackberries up on the hill, trip over Mary the dog (who would always lie in the most inconvenient places); Mia used to tickle me and I would laugh.... But the house on Mirabel is sold now, and life has thrown different challenges to the each of us, pulling us inexorably down different paths. But in my heart the five of us will always be there....

We were all so young.

Like Milt Forrest was at the beginning of the book.

Now they're all growing up.

I'm growing up too.

Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road

2008-08-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

My friend Hannah sent me this.

It made me laugh.

So i'm sharing it with all of you (with a few of my own added on... :)

Woot!

***

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

BARAK OBAMA:

The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:

My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialouge with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:

When I was FIrst Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.....

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "This" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "Other Side" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "Current" problems before adding "New" problems.

OPRAH:

Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn form his mistakes and take falls, which is part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road....

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken to cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was mislead about the chicken's intentions, I am not for it and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks!

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmers market to sell my eggs when the price dropped a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed i've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you'll become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBRA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced as serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens!

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR:

...I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned...

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released CHICKEN2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an internal part of the CHICKEN. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#)U%)(#Q%*.......

reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun!

The Benefit of Juxtaposition

2008-08-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from a letter to my friend Shane I wrote this weekend after the family reunion. Which was fun-ish, thanks for asking. (and the title kinda makes sense -- after a bit of arguing with myself i decided it sounds cool so i'm keeping it.)

***

My Dad is the youngest of four siblings, and being his youngest child means that all my cousins are older, and I never see them. I had a nice bantering conversation with my 24-year-old cousin Ryan (he's hilarious, just like his father my Uncle Bob) and I even chatted with Jennifer! Jennifer is Bob's 23-year-old daughter -- the last time I saw or spoke to her was at my Aunt Laura's old house (where she lived before she divorced). I vividly remember getting upset because the "big girls" (Jennifer and my sister) went off to play basketball and get into other mischief, and wouldn't let me play. I was about 4 at the time. Maybe 5. The pretty, cultured female stranger I met yesterday is much different than the haughty teenager I can't quite picture.

How could she have changed so much without my knowing? Have I changed that much? Have my parents, my sister? I still feel like a fifth grader, yet so different than who I was even a few months ago, every moment molding me slightly into a new form. Ginny (my sister) seems different now than I always picture her in my head -- could this be because she goes off to college and i don't see her for months at a time, and barely even then? Did it seem like this when she lived at home? Now that I think about it, all my memories show her in different stages of development. Almost like those picture books which you have to flip through really fast; each memory is a slightly different picture, and when you look at them all together they show the current of change -- but if the first and last photo's are juxtaposed, they may look nothing alike. Does the changing ever stop? Which leads me to my parents. I always feel I'm learning new things about them, but they're never changing; I just wasn't aware before of this piece of what makes them them. Do they not feel different to me because I've always been with them through the transitions (as if I've always seen the pictures moving together and have never been able to pick out a distinctly different individual picture), so that the changes are too subtle to identify? Or did they, at some point (going back into the clay analogy) harden into a permanent form? At one point does one decide "this is who i am?" Is there any definite self in life? Are the pictures ever the same, continually? Do people ever really stop changing?

There's Hope

2008-08-02T09:26:00.001-07:00

"There's Hope" by Indie Arie

*sings*

This song is spectacular. That's really all i have to say for now.

Discovery

2008-07-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've discovered the major differences between dancing and singing for me. Singing gives me energy. Dancing takes it. Illogical that singing, which in reality drains energy, leaves me feeling more excited and energetic than before i originally expended the energy. it's like... how i recharge myself. to be happy. that and nathan. Random.

This post was made possible by the stark contrast between a dance practice and a singing rehearsal, and by (hopefully) lots of comments from readers like you!

It Breaks My Heart

2008-07-29T20:12:00.001-07:00

Tonight i went to the farmers market. i went on my own (nathan's in san francisco helping his cousin, and i couldn't get a hold of anyone else), so as i predicted i saw quite a smattering of people, none of whom stayed around very long. Apparently there's some concert going on tonight (at least that's what Brianna told me), so there were tons of people and the air smelled unpleasantly of smoke.

The event which made this rather dull evening mildly thought-provoking was a) a "Slack sighting" (to be explained) and b) talking to Saylor Garymore again. A "Slack sighting" is my term of endearment for when i see any of my three neighbors, Brooke, Lindsey, and Jeff Slack. We used to be really close, but as we get older and busy i see them rarely. Tonight i saw Lindsey, who i was perhaps the closest to. Though we don't see much of each other, we still have much history (our childhood, which is all of our life right now) together, so it's always pleasant to see her.

Option (b) was the thought-provoking aspect of the evening. Saylor Garymore and I, along with Sam Torre, were best friends in third grade. I'm talking inseparable. To this day i have many fond memories of building with lego and talking about star wars with them (yes, nathan, those two loved star wars, so i learned a bit at the time). They were quirky (especially Saylor) and intelligent and fun to be around. So we were friends. Since then i haven't seen them much. Sam and i talk, and Saylor... just sorta disappeared. We went to different schools, and hung with different people. I still see them occasionally though. Tonight I saw Saylor again for perhaps the first time in two or three years.

Earlier this year Sam and I were reminiscing, and with a laugh he categorized the each of us. "You know Caity, it's strange that we all used to be such good friends, because we're so different now. You're like, 'the good girl.' Do your homework and get the grades and all that. I'm--"

"You're smart," I interjected.

"But lazy," he added. "I could do stuff if i wanted to... but i don't." I looked at my old friend sadly and couldn't deny it.

"And Saylor?" I asked.

He laughed "Saylor's the fuck up."

His description seemed overly critical to me, and it branded into my memory. Then I spoke to him tonight.

A boy I didn't recognize came and sat by me. I looked at him and was shocked suddenly with recognition. "Hey Say!" I said, excited to see him after so long. But... there was something wrong with his eyes. They were really blood-shot. Speaking, his words were slurred, and he seemed very, well, dirty and smelly; occasionally he would seem to forget i was there and say "i want a cigarette." Or maybe he was so far gone he didn't care. I hadn't realized before how far he'd fallen. The bright, charming boy i remembered was gone, drowning in God knows what kind of hell. I wish i could have thought of something to say, to remind him who he was, to show him the repulsive creature he'd become....

But I just smiled sadly at him, trying to convey everything i couldn't find words for to say to the stranger who was once my closest friend. He didn't see.

It breaks my heart.

Too Much

2008-07-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past 7 hours at dance camp. We had a half hour for lunch, and a few water breaks, but other than that it was straight working, including running and intensive stretches. So basically i've been dancing for 6 hours straight. I'm already getting sore -- i know that i'll feel really healthy by the end of this week... but right now i feel like crap. Meh. More exhausted than crappy. Grr. I could have spent this week at Church Camp, but then there was also the conflict with our family vacation... I was planning to use this afternoon to do some of my science homework, but it's my parents anniversary so i want to help make dinner and i'm so tired on top of that i just want to collapse on the couch....

Hm. Do you ever feel like there's not enough time? Not a moment to lose! No time to be idle! Life has so much to offer, but you have to pick your priorities, maintain the precarious balance between happily busy and overload. Yet it's important to take down time too. Time to relax and to rethink things, to give your body and mind a break. But every minute spent being lazy is a minute not spent doing....

*Sigh*

I know I can't do everything.

But I sure want to.

GAH!

Home At Last

2008-07-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

Good evening!

I'm back from faraway travels, and the monotony of everyday tasks haven't completely sunk in yet; i haven't put much effort into cleaning my catastrophic bedroom, i haven't responded to any of the letters and calls which i'm obligated to return, and i've actually taken the past two days (one on the plane, and then early this morning) to read a book non school-related. Hallelujah! i'm actually doing pretty good on that scale -- i've finished reading all three summer reads, now i just have to finish all the damn projects and memorization....

Because i'm lazy and the jet lag hit me not too long ago (sorry if i seemed tired Nathan -- I am), and being tired gives me memory/cognitive thought loss, i'm going to start by describing yesterday at the airport, which was perhaps the most epic thing on the whole trip (other than initially missing our flight, taking a boat ride under Niagara Falls, traversing about the alleys of Quebec and trying unsuccessfully to converse in French, seeing the Second City comedy club in Toronto, staying in a magical old house in Burlington, and being doused in unpredictable showers all over Vermont) other than all that, the airport is perhaps the most memorable thing on the whole trip!

We entered the San Francisco airport at 9:35 in the evening, and despite the hours of sitting which usually serve to exhaust, i felt surprisingly lucid. I sang show tunes (people looked at me as if i were a lunatic) and bounced joyfully, completely in my own little world. However lucid (almost giddy) i felt, i would not have predicted a full-on hallucination as one of the symptoms, which is why i was surprised to see Danny Wyrick and Cody Cox talking on the other side of the baggage claim terminal. As i walked over to them and their features didn't melt away, it became clear that this was no illusion -- then I saw Jenna Wyrick and some of her family, and i recalled that Danny and Jenna went on a tour of Europe. What luck that we'd come into the same airport, at the same time...

"Hey guys!"

"Hey Caity! What're you doing here?"

"I came to greet Danny and Jenna at the airport of course!"

"Really?!"

"No, of course not. i just got off a flight -- i'm coming back from a trip to Canada."

And so our conversation continued. I inquired after their trip, met Jenna's sister Claire for the first time, and bubbled excitedly as Jenna had the exact opposite, and more common reaction -- exhaustion. Eventually I saw that my parents had picked up some of our bags, so i wished them well and said i'd see them when school started, and headed back to the baggage wheel.

As I sat along the edge of the wheel (which you're not supposed to do but everyone does anyway) i was struck by pangs of familiarity. The last time I'd been here was at the very end of the Orlando Band trip -- I'd sat at this very terminal with Nathan, my Nathan, before i could even hope that i would ever be able to call him my Nathan.... The feeling continued as we traveled down the sidewalk. He'd been on my mind the whole trip, and not only as i wrote an extensive letter of my travels to him. He was there when I laughed, as I talked to strangers and to my family, as I read a sign or tripped ungracefully. Everywhere, all the time. His presence haunted my thoughts, coloring my experiences with what i imagined would be his reactions. I realized in that moment how much he's influenced my every thought, my every action, and how much i rely on that influence, how much it's changed me. And there's no going back, no undoing his change; his influence will forever hold some part in my self-guidance, (as some part of the lessons from the past always remain with us). Some lessons do us good, some don't; he's changed me. And whatever happens to us in the future, I think he's changed me for the better. :)

Well! It's late. The clock tells me it's 10:21, but on East Coast time that's 1:30, and i woke up very early, so more delving into the innermost workings of my soul will just have to wait until later. Ado, ado, parting is such sweet sorrow...

(ps. i took the photo of the flowers in a little garden in Burlington Vermont, at the back of the place where we were staying. it was magical there -- if you want to see more, i'll be uploading pics to my facebook shortly)

Bonjour!!!

2008-07-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Salut mes amis!
Comme ca va?
(i'm typing on a strange french keyboard which probably has some way to do accent marks, but i'll be damned if i can figure them out)

above is my pitiful attempt at french. i learned from simmerly. haha. "learned" is completely inappropriate in that statement. but i'm picking up quite a bit down here -- everyone is bilingual! or they only speak french -- it's pretty dominant down here. for those of you who i (or nathan) haven't told about my trip, i'm writing to you from Quebec City, Canada.

it's so artsy and beautiful! there's art incorporated into everything, and the flowers. oh the flowers!
je t'aime le fleurs
i probably wrote that wrong. i'm only in french one, okay?

we (mum, dad, and i) were walking down this steep hill after a tour of the Parliament building (which, by the way, is much more interesting than american Parliament. DC is not nearly this fascinating). there was a girl, about the age of 8, selling lemonade. now, she wasn't an amateur; this girl was hard core. we watched her squeeze the lemon, add half a bowl full of sugar, and a ton of water. she wasn't selling a dixie cup -- this was in like one of those tall cups you get at starbucks. i gotta tell you, that was the best damn lemonade i've ever had.
i remember doing a lemonade stand with my neighbors when i was little. not nearly that fancy -- i think we sold dixie cups for a quarter. and the only people who bought from us were other neighbors (our street is fairly inopportune for customers). one of my neighbors, though, came over and said "i'll give you $5 if you fill up my thermos." he used up the last of the lemonade, and we got 5 dollars. between three girls all below the age of 6, this was a fortune.
good times.

haha. i'm in an internet cafe. the song"power of love" just started playing. reminds me of you nathan.
love all! be back full of tales soon,
Caity

I'll fly away...

2008-07-12T21:37:00.001-07:00

i saw my sister for the last time for the next few months this morning. then i went to my youth groups car wash (my feet were tattooed with grime by the end of it) and this evening my dad and i went to see "Hell Boy 2." Us and half of Sonoma. i ran into so many people i know! it was a good movie too. i suppose i should elaborate. meh. i really don't feel like it right now.

i'm going to the airport tomorrow morning.

i love you nathan.

i miss you.

see you all in two weeks!!!

let's make this fast...

2008-07-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

right, it's late (for me at least. stop gawking you night owls) and i want to call nathan, so i'm only going to give a quick recap of my day:

i "visited" musical theater camp today. basically i was a camper for one day without paying. i was the lead source of vocal knowledge, and i got some fun dance instruction. plus i busted out some fantabulous No Good Deed. it was passionate; you shoulda been there. i also saw some fun peoples, namely nick pimentel who i don't see on a regular basis, and just hanging with him for one day made me remember why i liked him so much. enthusiastic child. then there was sarah summers and anna, who lives in san francisco, and michael... and a bunch of new peoples! anyways, the whole camp was wonderful and i have to go next year.

water pics are strange and get water everywhere. damn technology. stupid wisdom teeth.

scrapbooking is so much more fun with the potential of all those photos and all those lovely stickers!!! nathan, i've three pages dedicated to you. just thought i'd stroke your ego a bit.

i just became friends with nick brown on facebook. this amuses me to no end a) because i've never met him and b) because i know him through alissa and i've never even really met alissa (except for about two seconds at a band concert, which doesn't count because we didn't talk) yay for social networking!

i feel i've been reminiss in my blog commenting... i actually spent very little of today on the internet! yay! accomplishment.

so much for keeping it quick. triangle. arg! i need to stop doing that.

The Choice

2008-07-09T17:37:00.000-07:00

Here is a glimpse into my philosophy, something that is ever growing. I've discovered that when I write about why I do things I can identify whether what I do is something I should change. This is one which made the cut. Perhaps my reasoning will mean something to you; perhaps you'll better appreciate someone who shares their happiness with the world, perhaps you'll find yourself smiling more. Happiness is a choice as simple as a smile.

***

"Ah," she sighed, smiling slightly, "that makes me happy."

He rolled his eyes. "Everything makes you happy."

She watched him for a moment then responded. "No, not everything makes me happy. I get angry and sad and frustrated like everyone else. I just always try to smile, even when I'm upset."

"Why?"

Again she took a moment to think. "Well, you never know what other people may be going through. Maybe someone really needs a smile, even more than you need to frown. Not smiling would be kind of selfish of me. What right have I to make other people miserable just because I'm having a crappy day?"

i miss you

2008-07-08T21:23:00.000-07:00

am staring mindlessly at computer screen.

16 days.

it's not that long.

not long at all.

shit.

i miss him already.

ps. in other news, congratulations el bitz! because i'm snoopy and everyone loves a good romance, i need to hear the whole story :)

Confessions From Cupid part 2

2008-07-08T15:46:00.001-07:00

Love is a tender affection which surpasses the vapid emotions of every day life and arises in the quieter moments of appreciation. That is when it is most acutely felt, a wild tenderness that makes the senses tingle -- but it is always there. In the little things we do each day; a gesture, a smile. Love is an undercurrent, a rhythm to which we live. -- Feb. 14

***

I want someone who loves me. I want someone I can be crazy about. Someone I can make bad jokes with and not feel self-conscious around. Someone to laugh with and talk to forever. To hold and be held by. To appreciate, to get excited about, to be ridiculous with. To love.

***

I wrote that above bit on February 18, 2008. One month before I met Nathan. It's interesting to see how reality compares with fantasy, when I'd been curious about what makes any relationship work for so long. For me, the reality of being in his arms is better than any person I could have imagined. :)

Conversations With Myself

2008-07-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

a) I use a chain of reasoning and conclusive arguments to prove points of philosophical, speculative, and opinionated subject matter. What kind of a person am I?

b) Why shouldn't philosophy be supported by reason? Why can't matters of faith be argued reasonably?

a) Reason defeats the purpose of faith. If matters of faith can be proved then it's not faith.

b) Faith is supported by a different kind of reason. People who have faith in something aren't crazy, they just use their own form of reasoning to draw conclusions which perhaps can't be proved chemically.

c) You think too much.

Where's the Line?

2008-07-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

Waking up this morning was very odd. I was sort of partially awake and asleep enough to still think my dream was real. In my dream... I was riding my bike... no, not my bike, it was a different bike... anyways, I rode down to Mirabel. There was some kind of family reunion... it was very realistic, for all the furnature was as it was after Granddad died, almost as if this were the get-together after his funeral. Even the huge oak tree, which was there most of my childhood, was cut down (they cut down the tree right before they sold the house). Numerous family members were there. Ginny came down the long flight of stairs and gave me flowers... they were roses, very dark red, but they were dried, not alive, and the branches were arranged in this weird pattern.... For some reason I was under the impression she gave me flowers every time I saw her.

As I began to wake up I started to make plans to thank her. Took me a while to decipher between what was and wasn't real. It made me realize -- the line between fiction and reality is so thin. We call people crazy who are "seeing things," yet we pass into imagination every night in our sleep, we linger on it during day-dreams and even memories. All that separates the common man from "insanity" is the ability to wake up, to come to grips with what's accepted as "real." But what is reality? I think I exist, but how do I know I exist? Maybe I'm an advanced computer simulation for some creative creature in a 10-dimensional world. "I think therefore I am" only goes so far. Maybe I'm a though with thoughts in an almighty thinker. Maybe all I know and all I am is the fleeting imagination of a giants dream.

Gah. I'm wandering. "Maybe this" and "maybe that." Whatever I "think," I have no way of deciphering existence; pondering and ranting will not change the state of the universe. meh. this post is insanity... my apologies if it makes no sense...

The Schoolyard Conflict part 2

2008-07-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

Right. I just woke up from an hours nap after a fun but exhausting day at the beach with the Scotts and youth group, which I hadn't been to in FOREVER. Funness. So. I really want to finish this story. So I'll get on with it.

***

The last week of eighth grade was crazy. For the month of June our teachers had desperately been trying to keep us working, but with summer in sight their efforts were hopeless. The last Monday of eighth grade year was blissful and fun, filled with lounging in the sunlit grass in front of Mrs. Robert's computer classroom. For me it was the calm before the whirlwind of events that was to come. I was singing our graduation song, and Mrs. Taylor and I still hadn't met to cut it back ("Wear Sunscreen, " a five minute monologue on music, needed to be cut down to less than three minutes). My sister, who I hadn't seen in months, was coming back from Washington for my graduation and the months of June and July. My rabbit Blackberry, a tiny, mean little ball of fuzz who I loved and had had since third grade, was dying. And I had three days left of going to school at Altimira Middle School with Mrs. Roberts and Hannah.

Tuesday dawned bright and early. Mrs. Taylor took us to Stanford, and the best and mot memorable thing about the whole trip was swimming in one of the large fountains which are all over campus. Afterword, with the help of Mrs. Purtel, I found a copy of the background music for "Wear Sunscreen" and burned it on a CD. Wednesday Ginny was home, but I only saw her for a moment in the morning before rushing to school. The day, spent at Marine World, was unmemorable for me until the evening when Dad told me that Blackberry was put to sleep. Later that day I got in an argument with my parents. That night I cried myself to sleep from sadness and exhaustion.

On Thursday morning I vowed not to cry. Graduation should be a happy day, I told myself. Project joy, wear a smile, and save tears for the ceremony, where they're more appropriate. Pooling all my strength into a warm ball of fire I mentally viewed burning under my collar bone, I walked on campus. No sooner had I passed the ALTIMIRA sign than Mrs. Taylor popped her head out of the office and said in a curt, anger-suppressed voice, "Caity could you come in here for a moment." It wasn't a request. Hardening my wavering resolve I nodded and followed her into a small office inside the building. When I stepped into that little room, I was nervous. My premonition was confirmed a moment later as my formerly silent English teacher let her disgruntlement be know.

I don't remember exactly what was said. It's been kind of a touchy subject for me for the past year, and this is the first time I've had the strength to recall the details in order to write about it. In general the situation consisted of Mrs. Taylor shouting loaded questions at me and then cutting me off before I could answer. Mrs. Smith, the friendly staff member who Mrs. Taylor had called to witness her questioning (the purpose of which I was soon to discover), was watching us with a mixture of apprehension and pity.

"Have you cut your song?" demanded Mrs. Taylor.

"No, I thought-"

"You haven't cut it yet? Must I do everything? It's not even a real song! I listened to it last night, and there's no real singing!"

"I told you when I picked it out that it was a monologue on music and asked if it was okay to-"

"Don't get so defensive," she barked, sounding more like a pissed-off teenager in a bickering fight than an adult, waving her hands in emphasis. I wanted to say 'I wouldn't be so defensive if you weren't attacking me!' Bit my small ball of fire had turned to ice and was quickly melting, the evidence welling up in my eyes. I've never been able to stand up to a yelling adult.

"Do you have another song you could sing tonight?" Mrs. Smith inquired cautiously. Avoiding the hostile form of Mrs. Taylor I gazed at Mrs. Smith. Although I had managed to hold my tears in my eyes, my voice wavered and cracked.

"I ca-can't do another song. I've been p-practicing Wear Sunscreen...."

"Can you cut it today?" Mrs. Smith asked. Not trusting my voice I nodded. Mrs. Taylor made an incredulous "Phf."

"M-may I leave?" I asked Mrs. Smith stiffly. The urge to cry was nearly overwhelming.

"Yeah," she answered with a reassuring smile, and I was out the door. My eyes were blurry with the suppressed tears but still I didn't cry; I needed a secluded place.

On my way up to the back wall of the A-wing Tiffany ran out of Mrs. Taylor's classroom. She was beaming and carrying a large poster.

"Caity, we're making a poster for Mrs. T. Do you want to sign it?" She looked at my face and faltered for a moment. "Hey, are you okay?"

I plastered on a smile and nodded, still reluctant to speak lest my voice betray me. The words "Best Teacher Ever" were scrawled in large red marker at the top of the page, surrounded by signatures and messages in varying colors. Tiffany offered me a pen. Looking back I still don't know if I did the right thing. My mind was buzzing with heartache and anger, and I was filled with the spiteful urge to turn in disgust. But Tiffany, though she wasn't my favorite person, really could be nice, and she was looking at me with such excitement and hope... my head echoed with the words "don't do anything you'll regret." However repulsed I felt at that moment, I wouldn't take Tiffany's happiness in her hero for the sake of my own pain and want for vengeance. I took the pen and signed "Caity." No message, no last name. Just "Caity."

I sobbed behind the A-wing for a bit. Cried for all my insecurities, problems, fears, and for my anger at Mrs. Taylor and myself. But mostly I just cried.

Some people look good after they cry; some people you can't even tell they've been upset. I'm not one of those people. You can tell for hours after that I've cried; it takes a while for my hot, rose-red blush to fade, and my eyes get puffy and sticky with tears that won't leave. So it was no surprise when exclamations of "Oh, Caity!" were sounded as I entered Mrs. Purtel's classroom. What was strange was that there were no calls of "whats wrong?" as I had expected. Instead I received a round of hugs from my friends, and an orange-and-white handmade bow to go with my graduation dress. It wasn't until I had finished cutting down "Wear Sunscreen" that I realized everyone thought I had been crying about graduation. I started laughing insanely and then nearly started crying again (my emotions were in a sort of crazy-limbo so just about anything could set me off). Thank goodness for Mrs. Purtel and Kristina Toni. Mrs. Purtel for her cheerfulness and the for the bow, Kristina for holding my hand.

The day passed quickly after that, mostly because I didn't see Mrs. Taylor. There was one incident at rehearsal before I was going to sing -- Bella Baxter came over and gave me a CD.

"What's this?" I asked her.

"Mrs. Taylor gave it to me to give to you. She said it's for your song."

I looked at the CD with disgust. She yells at me about how lazy I am and then doesn't even listen to hear what I've done. I tried to give it back to Bella, but she was already involved in something else. I didn't want or need her disk for her help, and I wanted her to know it. I thought over what I was going to say, and approached Mrs. Taylor with the CD. I couldn't even look at her face, so I directed my statement at her torso.

"Thank you for the CD, but I don't need it."

Graduation was fun and sad. There was lots of good-bye-ing, especially with teachers and Hannah, who wouldn't be going to SVHS. But even though I expected, even slightly wanted, to cry, I didn't. I guess I just didn't have any tears left in supply. That's probably for the best -- I look awful when I cry.

The Schoolyard Conflict part 1

2008-07-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Yes! After a half hour of frustrated searching I finally found my February Diary. For all of you who weren't in Mrs. Dillon's 9th grade English class, this is a journal we kept throughout the month of February, full of writing about... whatever. For my part I wrote out memories and dreams and thoughts about life... basically everything this blog should be. I was looking for it to share a certain poem of mine which I particularly like, but upon finding and rereading it I've discovered a story which most friends of mine have heard only in pieces. A year has past since these events occurred, and looking back now they seem so insignificant, but I know that for months of my life these memories haunted me and affected everything I did. So perhaps they are relevant. For those of you who were there, this is how I felt. For those of you who weren't, these are the preoccupations of an eighth grade girl. I hope this will answer any remaining questions.

***

My feelings for Mrs. Taylor are... disgust, possibly? It's hard to put into words. It was so bad last year, especially in that last week of school, with the talent show and graduation... I hate getting yelled at. Most of my dislike for her is fairly well justified (at least in my mind...) but my complete bitterness? My hate? I know she has good qualities which should sway my judgement; yet I hardly understand myself as I surely do hate her. Rationally I should consider what she's done for me, but my uncontrollable passions skip the trial and go straight to a guilty verdict. But whoever said hate is rational? Nobody, and if they did they'd be wrong. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive on the topic of my eighth grade English teacher. Because I know that I hate her and I know that hatred isn't the rational course, and my emotions won't let me do anything about it. And that scares me.

I suppose the last week of school should be a fun week, especially for the graduation class. Sad, maybe, a nostalgic week, but enjoyable none the less. Not for me. It was hell week for me.

The worst of it started on the Friday before the last week (six days from graduation, as we graduated on a Thursday). It was the talent show. In hindsight, I don't regret doing the talent show because I did have some pretty good times with friends. But at the time, I felt like dying in a hole somewhere. For my number I needed a microphone to be heard all over the auditorium. Mrs. Taylor brought me a chair. I suppose in the confusion backstage it wasn't unreasonable for her to mistake "microphone" for "chair." And maybe I deserved the blunt and irritated "Don't get snippy with me missy" which my teacher and director curtly growled at me before the curtain opened, with me trying to project as best I could. All I know is I left that stage ashamed, soon crying in a closet as Mrs. Taylor came to give us feed back from the crowd. "I'm gonna be honest with you. Tiffany is getting a great response; people are really impressed and think you're doing wonderfully. Good job. Caity, Sarah, Eletra -- more energy. You could really put in a bit more effort. That's not coming from me -- that's just what the audience thinks."

After the final show was over and I had calmed down a bit, the day got better. For a while. Mrs. Taylor told us that we could hang out until the end of the school day, and as this was the first time I was in the talent show, I thought that this was just a perk for the participants. Rosie, Kristina, and I sat outside in the grass in front of the office, talking and joking. Mr. Peters (Principal or vice Principal at the time, I don't know) walked by and gave us a weird look, but he just continued on to Mrs. Taylor's classroom. We continued laughing and lounging until he came out a few minutes later and asked us not quite incredulously "Girls, why aren't you in class?"

"We're in the talent show," we responded, as if this answered the question.

"And?" he asked, gesturing for us to continue.

"And Mrs. Taylor said we didn't have to go back to class."

"That's not what she says."

"What?" the three of us chorused, his response like a slap in the face. "That's not what she told us." What should you feel when someone you respect and trust lies about you to cover their butt for breaking the rules? That was Mrs. Taylor's thing, breaking the rules. Playing the rebel. Only when the consequences came around did she shirk the responsibility. And someone else would suffer for her. What did I feel? Betrayal, certainly. And a bit of disgust.

Mr. Peters perhaps detected our nervous distress, or maybe he knew we were good students and wouldn't ditch class, at least not to hang out in front of the office if we did. In any case, he quickly told us, "Don't worry, I'm sure there was just a misunderstanding. You just need to check in with your teachers and let them know you're not absent." He smiled reassuringly and walked back toward the office as Rosie, Kristina, and I scampered off to talk to our teachers and discuss what had just happened.

***

There's certainly more to the story, but I have to stop here (have to go on errands with mum). Tune in later to hear the exciting conclusion of the schoolyard conflict! Sorry, I just had a burst of inspiration and I wanted to sound like a corny radio broadcaster. :)

Got to go.

Food For Thought part 1

2008-07-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

"A secret never to be told"

"It's not a word I can put into feelings"

"I know there's nothing worth having that doesn't come at a cost"